no wax

kouki sakura
tsuiraku no koudo
izuko desu ka?

…

final cherry bloom
falling down unto the dirt
where can i find you?

In the quiet hours ‘neath the nighttime skies
Silently creeping underneath your mind -
Melancholy true, in its gentlest guise
Ultimate sadness takes our hearts to bind.

Fatigue from a whole days work takes its toll
As scenes through the years flash through your minds eye;
And as you heed the Sandman’s nocturne call,
Wondrin’ how many days before you die.

Tear stained cheeks which once had a rosy hue
Lips bloody from being bitten all day
Thoughts secretly wishing for hope anew
Into His prescence He takes you away

Lord and Saviour, God above - I give thanks to you,
For the peace you bring and the comfort too!

Everything changes, nothing is ever truly lost.
That hit home yesterday as I was looking at pictures from a get together I attended yesterday.

Has it truly been that long? I feel like I’m still in high school, unable to let go of old friends whom I will never forget  and memories that I know can last me to the grave. And yet here I am with new friends - making new memories. As I stand at the crux of yet another crossroads in my life I feel yet again, the pangs of loss.

As I look around and face empty chairs and tables and conjure up memories of bygone days, I smile a stupid mechanical smile. Happy bittersweet memories come flooding me and I can’t help but cry inside knowing that what I have known with these friends I can no longer have. Soon, I tell myself - these chairs - they will all be empty and I have to face the task of filling them up again.

It saddens and tears me up to think that the paths we tread aren’t necessarily ones that intertwine nor forever run parallel and close by. But what does one do but accept that which fate has dealt them?

I face the day giving myself the excuse that I have to let them spread their wings and take flight; That I cannot forever be their friend and mentor. That they are destined for better things, and that they deserve better.

I lie, as I tell them upfront that I am happy for them - knowing deep inside how much I will miss each and every one that came and went. Each laugh, each smile, each moment spent from day to day to day. I lie and say that I will be fine knowing that yet again, newer scars forever mar my soul by losing yet another friend to destiny. Yes, selfish tis true, but it is a truth that I will never admit to them upfront.

Now I know how a parent feels when their children go and find a life of their own.

From the first son who left me, to the next, to the first daughter who left and now the last one. One that I know can easily fly out the nest at any time should she so chose. For each and every one, I have known the fear that all parents face. Soon, I tell myself. Soon I will have to face it again.

I never claimed that I am the only one who has ever felt this loss. Nor do I intend to. I just wanted to make a mark. Another notch on my wall of life, to remind me of how much I have gone through. To remind me never to forget.

I just needed to make sure that whatever changes come, will never wash away the memories that I had and will always have.

Someone once told me that one lifetime is never enough to know another lifetime. With tear-stained eyes and a heavy heart, I can do naught else but nod my acceptance of that fact.

Distant objects fade
Seeing things not there at all
Water! I beg you.

I look at myself  and see a disappointment.

Sure, I love my work and I make decent dough with my sidelines. But all it takes is a single look back at my life ten years or so back to realize that I have been a failure. I had been so idealistic then - so full of hope, so full of myself, thinking I could do the impossible. I thought that in some way, God had hand-picked me to serve Him greatly. That I was meant for higher things. That somehow, I could very well be someone who could solve some great puzzle bugging mankind, like a cure for cancer, AIDS or whatnot.

I was arrogant to think so.

Ten years later, with a rather significant belly and a receding hairline, I have not achieved any great thing nor have I helped mankind in general in any way. No Einstein there, not an Edison, not even a Bill Gates;

Sometimes I think about today’s youth and imagine them in a similar position - thinking that they’d graduate and be a great help to humanity. That they’d end world hunger. Some of them do grow up to be such … most of them do not.

Why the melancholy and angst you ask? I do not know. Perhaps the latest stream of matrimonial unions in my highschool batch has gotten me thinking about what I had done with my life. It got me thinking that I had not been what I could’ve … should’ve been. I feel angst for seeing - as if for the first time - that I had been no better than a solitary hamster in my hamster cage. Going to work on an endless mousewheel of software development, going back to my woodchip furnished home to eat some rabbit food, seeds or what-have-you; then going to sleep.

Somehow I feel cheated. Cheated out of my birthright; I have cheated myself of my birthright.

Back then, the world had been my footstool. I was, rather, I thought I was King of the Mountain! Lord of the Skies! I felt that I could grant anyone a boon if I could so choose. No, I did not thnk I was a god. I simply thought that I could dole out the greater good for all mankind. Now I am a lone rodent on a leash.

Excuse me I have some wheelwork to do.

trudging ever so slowly
trying to reach
but never reaching
that
which is always
out there
unwaveringly teasing
mockingly existing
as if to say
that you cannot have her

sitting in splendourous
obfuscation
always waiting
overcomplicated simplicity
that the object of
desire is always
within arms length
but is
forever out of reach

silently suffering
knowing full-well that
one can simply turn to find
that which is one’s heart’s
true desire
soulmate.
only to find that
she does not want you

You are the quiet perfection of a fully-blossomed flower.
Your soft velvety lips in an everlasting pout as if ready to bestow
a lover’s perfunctory kiss - as she bids welcome.

You are the freshness of a flower in full bloom.
Whose fragile petals, laden with the morning dew
reach out as if to embrace - a mute promise of rest.

You are the meek beauty of a flower in its splendor.
Whose unabashed bloom stands proud yet silent - an immutable monument
to that which is good in what God creates.

Yes, the flower wilts and dies.
Yes its beauty is not forever.
But the memory that which is such, will be kept to heart -

unique in all creation,
unchanging for all the seasons,

in full bloom.

733t eEz \^/uT eM nHuT
eEz \^/uT Ei hOp 2b
bHuT cAnNOt b

WtF? DiS eEz j00s LamErZ!
rOtFL! lOL!

A nation torn are we.

A nation rent asunder by the very people meant to build and protect it. With their own personal agenda in mind, they move as lone wolves with a single-minded purpose - to take what they can. What care they that they destroy this little archipelago’s economy? They can so easily escape by going elsewhere.

A people torn are we.

Brother against brother against father against son; they fight as ichor-stained fields well-suited for rice and corn are forever marred by they who fell. What care they that we rally against ourselves? They care not for us.

A nation torn are we.

No longer able to eke a livelihood in the land that birthed them. They who are the oppressed, the hungry and the tired seek out greener pastures. Their new masters embrace them while holding on to their leashes. What care the masters once they are done with the slaves? They can so easily fill their place.

A people torn are we.

But for how long? For how far? We will not be prey, pawns, and peons for long. Soon, my brethren … when the time comes when we would be free to live our lives as it should be lived. But for now, bite your parched lips, close your weary eyes, let not a whimper escape you - press on towards that day when we shall all be as we should all be. Soon, when the trumpet sounds and when the tears that flow down our cheeks are no longer - we shall all be free.

And no longer shall we be torn.

You’ve chosen your way;
Secrets told that sunny day,
Has changed us today.