I am confused. I used to be someone whose faith is (or at least I thought was) unshakeable.
[Confusion, cold and chaotic. In my mind ... in my heart.]
Forgive me. I am not one to boast but I have read Satanist docrine about how unfair God was to Job. They were very logical and convincing and yet I remained trusting of our Creator. I have had close relatives taken away from me, my parents separating, my parents having potentally lethal diseases, faced a great need in finances, was in debt, have had a failing business venture, have been kicked out of work due to 9/11, have had threats to my life because of my principles, faced shame for wrongs I did not commit, family issues … the list goes on, but I always had my faith unshaken. Somehow, I knew God would always see me through.
[You have always been there my God. You have never let me down.]
Today, even as I know that God will pull me through … there is now that shadow of doubt. And for the first time, I am afraid.
[Fear. That small scratchy voice at the back of my head ... gnawing at me and laughing in my face.]
Someone close to me has been diagnosed of having a complex mass in the ovary. The OB-Gyne said that it wasn’t cancer … at least not yet. My past experiences with the big C was not so relatively traumatic. My mom had my stepfather to provide for her and comfort her. My aunt and grandfather were swiftly taken from me without time to weep - just a month or two of the feeling of loss and emptiness.
[...]
Now with the fall of the dollar against the peso … I am faced with uncertainty. And with shame do I confess my sin of doubt to the world
… and to you my God.
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